But here’s the thing: I’m breaking up with you.
It’s not me. It’s you.
You promised to reinvent yourself – and you did. You went sugar free, not just one version but two! And then you even thought about my health and so thoughtfully decreased your sugar content by bringing in a natural sweetener to make our relationship a little less naughty.
You even tried changing in other ways to please me – I tasted your vanilla side, your lemon side, and even cherry!
But – your sugar free versions contained artificial sweeteners 951 (aspartame) and 950 (acesulfame potassium), which can cause a myriad of health problems. Those headaches, vision disturbances and my clumsiness and depression – they all stopped when I stopped having your “Diet” and “Zero” types. It’s not worth the health risks to continue to drink them.
Your flavours are listed as unspecified “flavours” on the ingredients list, and I don’t know what they are – are you hiding something from me? Although I like the vanilla, it doesn’t quite taste like true vanilla!
Then I read about the aluminium cans and how your acidity can cause aluminium to leach into the drink – is that why you always taste better out of the glass bottle? And I read about BPA and how chemicals in plastic can leach into the drink, causing hormonal imbalances in my body.
I started to feel like you were deceiving me, Coke.
And then I learned about how some people use you for cleaning! And how effective you are! Is that because you are acidic??
And I learned about the sugar that you contain, and how damaging those blood sugar rushes are for my health. And I realised that the caffeine hit you deliver makes me anxious and jittery.
It just became not worth it anymore. I don’t want you to feature in my life anymore, Coke. I am worried about the influence you might have on my family.
Sure, we’ll see each other at parties and gatherings, and I might even have a taste, but let’s be real. I’m using YOU, it’s not the other way around.
In the words of Taylor Swift, “We are never ever getting back together. Like ever”.
And my life will be healthier without you!
**For the record, I have never been a Coke addict. But if you’re reading this, maybe you should consider breaking up with Coke!**
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